03 October 2024
This is the day I lost my best friend, my husband, my life partner. I am livid. It is beyond my comprehension as to why he passed.
He was in the hospital for a fairly routine procedure for the removal of his kidney stones. Days before that, I was really upset because I did not want him in the hospital. It was too stressful for me to be commuting back and forth from the house to the hospital and back. To make things more difficult, I had the flu then.
I asked him if he would be okay if we chose another hospital, somewhere close to where we live. He was fine with it, only saying that I should check if his health insurance would be accepted in that hospital. He was in so much pain at this point that I had no other option but to agree to have him confined in the hospital and undergo surgery.
His attending physician opted for a minimally invasive procedure called Ureteroscopy for removal of the kidney stones. After several blood tests, scans, and other pre-operative screening procedures, his procedure was set for October 1st.
The night before his surgery, he said, "I am particularly nervous about this procedure." I was confused because he breezed through hip replacement surgery and heart valve replacement surgery and aortic aneurysm repair. Both major surgeries but he never should any fear or anxiety about it. I told him, "You have been through major surgeries and you were fine after that. You'll be fine with this one too."
October 1st, 7:00 pm, he was brought to the operating room. I gave him a thumbs up as the nurses and staff wheeled him in and closed the door behind them. The operating room nurse told me that the procedure will take 2-3 hours, and that I should just wait for him upstairs in the room. Which I did. And then the phone rang. It was the operating room nurse, telling me to go downstairs because the surgeon wanted to talk to me. I was scared as hell. Did something bad happen?
I was relieved when the surgeon told me that he just wanted to show me the stones that were removed from his kidneys and bladder. It was a lot. He told me that he had to resect parts of his prostate gland because it was impinging on his urethra. I asked him how my husband was doing and he said, "He is in recovery. He will be back in his room in a hour."
October 2nd. My husband was doing okay. He said he is happy that the is no longer in pain and that the doctor was able to remove all the stones. Later in the afternoon of this day, he asked me to buy him a pizza - one of his favorite variants - Truffle 4 Cheese. I told him I will go home for a while and when I come back, I will have the pizza with me. "Sounds good," he said.
When I came back to the hospital, he was so happy to have his pizza. He ate it heartily and said, "save some slices for my snack later." At around 9:00 pm, I was laying on the couch beside his hospital bed, he said, "When you're done charging your phone, please turn off the overhead lights." I did, and said, "Good night."
October 3, 6:00 am. I was roused from sleep because my husband was snoring loudly. I got up to nudge him but he wasn't responding. His eyes were closed and it became clear to me that he was not snoring. He was gasping for breath. I shook him, tapped him on his cheek, tried to make him sit up but he was not responding and was limp. I ran to the nurse's station and frantically shouted, "Help! help! He is not breathing!"
Soon the room was filled with nurses, doctors and equipment. They did CPR, they intubated him, they gave him epinephrine shots. For one whole hour they tried.
And then the flatline. The doctors saying, "I'm so sorry. My condolences for your loss." The hush. Equipment being pulled out. IV lines taken down.
My Poppa bear. Laying there. Lifeless.
"What happened, doctor? He was okay last night. We ate pizza.. Why???" I asked, crying. "It could possibly be embolism. It sometimes happens to patients who have been bedridden for a while. It is also a common complication of surgery," was what the doctor said.
The flatline on the monitor is in my core memory. My beloved laying on his hospital bed, slowly losing color in his lips. The orderlies coming in the room to put him in a body bag. Me walking beside the gurney and watching the hospital staff put him in the morgue. Those painful memories will be with me for the rest of my life. My heart shattered in a million pieces.
I was not even able to say goodbye. I was not able to hold his hand when he left this life. He must have been so afraid, he must have been so confused as to why it happened.
Now I have to face the reality of going through life everyday alone. I know he is happy in Heaven now. He can walk again, he is not in pain anymore, and he is at the peak of health. He must be walking with his dogs who have passed before him, exploring all the beauty of Paradise. He is with his mom and dad. I am sure he has a lot of stories to tell.
All I pray for is for healing and acceptance. Grief has no timeline. I know he is still with me, watching over me and guiding me. I know he is asking God to help me to go on living.
But I miss him so much!
Until we are together again, Poppa bear. I love you for eternity.
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